May 2012
7 posts
May 14th
10,855 notes
Pale Problems
People when I'm wearing normal "pale" foundation: Your make up doesn't match your skin! You look like a dorrito!
People when I actually find a foundation that matches my skin: Oh my God you're so pale, are you okay? Have you ever heard of bronzer? Why don't you go out in the sun? What the fuck is wrong with you?
May 10th
7 notes
May 7th
2 notes
Dumbledore: Hey I've never met you
Petunia: ...
Dumbledore: And this is crazy
Dumbledore: Your sister died
Dumbledore: So here's her baby
Petunia: ...
May 7th
34,657 notes
May 4th
1,875 notes
My dad just emailed me this huge list of puns oh...
I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
We’re going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
Broken pencils are pointless.
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.
A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
The earthquake in Washington obviously was the Government's fault.
Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.
May 4th
57,726 notes
May 3rd
40,996 notes
April 2012
16 posts
Apr 29th
480 notes
Apr 28th
3,076 notes
Apr 27th
Apr 27th
1 note
Apr 26th
32,736 notes
Apr 21st
3 notes
Apr 21st
2 notes
Apr 20th
22 notes
Apr 20th
190,727 notes
Apr 19th
Apr 19th
Apr 15th
Apr 13th
Apr 10th
1 note
Apr 9th
Apr 8th
March 2012
2 posts
Mar 6th
1,610 notes
February 2012
25 posts
Recycling Guy: Would you like to hear about some ways to reduce your input of waste into landfill?
Security Guy: Well, actually, I'm quite a fan of landfill and all of its benefits to the environment.
Feb 29th
4 notes
Feb 28th
32,069 notes
Feb 26th
23,081 notes
Feb 25th
90,959 notes
Feb 21st
27,022 notes
5 reasons why my grades suck
jeannieweeenie: lazy procrastination I fall asleep in class or zone out Food > homework the teacher probably hates me and wants to destroy my future so it’s not really my fault. It’s theirs.
Feb 18th
3,156 notes
Feb 18th
16,533 notes
Feb 18th
18,851 notes
Feb 18th
21 notes
Feb 18th
20,276 notes
Feb 17th
1,921 notes
Feb 15th
15,063 notes
Feb 14th
10,901 notes
jamiejenkins: Burritos, coffee, queer radio, driving, kangaroos, rabbits, creepy streets, perth hills, mundaring fuel stations, creepier windier streets, white-teethed black murderers, struggling to get up hills, scary goats riding bikes, “only cut off 3 fingers” y w3 s0 c00l 4?~~????~? Plus following random cars, Jamie’s retarded laugh, making Tori scream, almost peeing our pants,...
Feb 13th
2 notes
Feb 13th
37,658 notes
Feb 13th
8,104 notes
My nephew is a tumblr kid in the making...
…looking at my computer screen going ‘CAT! CAT! YAYYYYY!’ and then ‘:O CAKE! YUMMMMMM!’
Feb 10th
1 note
Feb 9th
jamiejenkins: lickmyballzz: Your housekeys are not a suitable substitute for ID to get into a nightclub. Just saying Tori. :| hahahahahahahahahhahahahaha oh god ahahahhaha <3 I do believe I was showing him my kiwi keyring, not the keys. :D Gosh guys, get it right!
Feb 8th
3 notes
Feb 8th
18 notes
Feb 7th
59,263 notes
Feb 6th
13 notes
Feb 4th
2 notes
Feb 4th
29 notes
Feb 2nd
65,666 notes
Feb 2nd
1,557 notes